Birthdays. They are funny celebrations aren’t they. Some of us love celebrating them, some of them absolutely don’t. My father was one of those people. I clearly remember the last time I called him to celebrate him with his birthday which was his 60th 2 years ago we nearly got into an argument, he seemed to be struggling so much with turning 60 and just the whole birthday thing in general. Do birthdays end when people die? Is it like well you are not in your body on this earth anymore so no longer will we celebrate your birthday, I most definitely disagree. It is a BIRTHday. Celebrating the birth of a person. 62 years ago my father was born. He was giving life and he really LIVED. In the 60 years that he was alive on this planet he has done so much, accomplished so much. This is what I celebrate today. My dad lived. My dad (and my mum of course) gave me life 38 years ago….. Birthdays are there to remind us someone was born, someone was giving life and what a precious gift that is.
My dad in NYC in 2013
“will you ever overcome this?” it is a question people have asked me since my father passed away and the answer is no. Because regardless of the relationship you have with your parents, regardless if that relationship was good or bad a part of you dies when they die. In my opinion that is just a simple fact. I am 37 years old and I only have one parent left, I never would have thought this would happen, you always think your parents, your makers, the people who are such a huge part of your life, you just take them for granted and think they live forever. But of course no one does. My relationship with my father is one with ups and downs, for years we had massive struggles and even though the last few years before he died were a lot better I do feel when it comes to our relationship there certainly was a lot of unfinished business, finding closure is nearly impossible, but I am working on it.
I am finding myself in a place right now where I am physically drained, I am just so exhausted and my health is something that I am struggling with, which worries me. A lot of this, losing my father unexpectedly and not being able to resolve certain issues is part of feeling so drained. Plus the heavy workload of three businesses and how much I ask of myself. Ironically enough exactly like my dad. I am on so many ways exactly like my dad. As my dad used to say: you so are MY daughter, we are so alike. And so I live on, with this knowledge and with a part of me gone, because that part died, when my father died. This is something which creates pain and this pain rises to the surface again some more on days like today, where we celebrate the life of a man who is no longer with us, but always inside of me, because he is and always will be MY DAD.
Happy birthday, dad.